...as a racist. Or at least he would be if Wiltshire plod turned up right now at the Towers, in the middle of cooking - just look at that inflammatory apron!
You could not, repeat not, make it up.
Hat tip: commenter on Guido.
Run for your lives… the ANTS ARE COMING!
1 hour ago
83 comments:
I like your dead pan expression.
My "waiting for the police helicopter and subsequent arrest and trial" face, that's all, Barny
You'll have to hope that some passing peasant on the lookout for lunch doesn't mistake the red lines for cross hairs.
Mr Thrub, good point, I'll switch on the peasant-heat cameras instanter.
Aha- a can of the Old Speckled Hen! Good taste, Sir!
What sort of guy drinks Tesco's own brand gut rot in Tuscany?
Fleet - well spotted, sir! I have 8 slabs (Aussie talk for 24 cans in a...well, slab, for those not eductaed in these matters) in the cellar. What a trial, as you can no doubt imagine.
Aheyhoyo - Have Tescos bought Morlands? The dirty dogs. John Thaw will be spinning in his grave.
Not only Morland's, the UK too.
Buy some stock in them, then, sir!
Tuscan, the only stock I plan to buy in Tesco's is chicken stock.
Let's see what state the UK is in after Brown has been sectioned.
Morlands were acquired by Greene King a few years back when the Abingdon Brewery closed. Not sure what has happened to them since.
sectioned - I'll drink to that.
40 years ago it was easy to cover up - slip a D notice to the Beeb, and Bob's your uncle. Getting Gordo into his straitjacket and wheeling him on the Hannibal Lecter-style sack trolley to the loony bin will be a very, very public affair, thanks to blogs.
Fleet - I was reading this morning the CAMRA monthly rag they send me - will recheck and report back.
Your picture has inspired me to locate a can of the abrosial MG-named liquid in my cupboard. I raise it to you, Tony.
I haven't seen the flag of St. George in convex mode before.
Another first for the Tuscan!
Hmm, we shouldn't get too carried away with this, I think. I read the link you provided about the lad who was supposedly stopped by Wiltshire Constabulary, and there's no actual corroboration of this incident's ever having occurred. No name of police officer etc. So, it could just be a report filed by a local journalist with no better story that day than an unsubstantiated claim by a local youngster.
All that said, I was a Metropolitan Police Officer myself for nearly 20 years, and I remember one of our 'carrier' police vans at the Notting hill Carnival in 1983 being ordered by a twitchy Chief Inspector to remove the flag of St George they were displaying in one of their windows, just in case it offended the locals. I had a good laugh about it at the time because I'm Welch (someone has to be, sorry).
You are pretty fat I have to say - oh I am in Camra as well by the way...
I would be more worried about a visit from elf and safety with the state of your pinnie...
Tuscan Tony,
All I can say is that your lodge is a bit sloppy on dress code.
A member of the Knights Templar wearing jeans?
Standards, sir, standards.
I like this picture, it looks like it could be advertising something.
Lard?
No, that's it!..... an updated version of John Bull.
More like a patriotic Sweeney Todd.
I presume the pork scratchings had already been consumed.
I notice that you're drinking from a wine glass, Tony.
They've started serving beer in pint sized wine glasses over here too.
A few weekends ago at a race meet I asked the barman to tip the beer he'd served me into a pint pot and he muttered "Well it tastes the same in whatever you have it." and I said, "Well actually, it doesn't" to which he looked at me as though I'd grown two heads.
I said,"Would you serve a lady her wine in a beer mug ?" Well would you ???
Country's going to the dogs.
As for the flag incident.
It's not an issue of whether or not this is true (I expect it is). The point is this: would anyone be surprised if the rank & file police enforced with ghusto whatever the establishment told them to ?
It's a great shame that the only thing constables - given all their complaints about being hamstrung by red tape - they are only prepared to strike over is their own pay.
Without their enthusiastic support political correctness and the oppression of ordinary British people would have no clout.
Fine. With the right to strike should come the right to be made redundant for economic reasons like the rest of us.
That's a 'rummer' isn't it Tuscs?
Twere it full of 'Tim Taylors', (yesterday's cooling draft after an exhausting lunch...), you could be in seventh heaven!
I reckon that you were probably also in heaven in your previous proximity to Gales' HSB of Horndean - which is still my overall favourite...
Is that a camel I see in the cluds above your head? Garcon....!!!
OH TT! What a spot to contemplate the day in.
PS. The pinny could do with a good soak in ariel for while....
Fleet - enjoy!
visigoth, no, no no, no no, not at al, it was in fact a light breeze from the Southwest that ruffled the garment at the vital moment. As you can see.
Mr Jampton, hmmm, with a head shaped as it was like a small baked potato, not sure the driver would have been bright enough to make up a story as elaborate as that. But in any case, its the climate of fear that beat officers operate under, the constant walking on eggshells, with the slightest "unapproved" move having them risk their jobs and pension that is the point for me. p.s. your unusual surname suggests to me you hail from West Sussex, Littlehampton, possibly?
Muts, ah, a fellow quaffeur, good dog. See the note above re the sudden SW breeze.
BB - its a well-thumbed BBQ coverall; washing it has no effect on the colourage.
Cautious - you'll be ticking me off for "dressing to the right" next. Anyway, I'm more of a Knight Inwhitesatin.
Dexter, Woody the Smelliest Cocker would not look the part for John Bull right now. Will do a separate post.Mrj - want to see that film but can't stand thje sight of blood - which would leave after editing a cosy 4 minutes - what can you advise?
hoss, - only eat those in England, delis like that have missed Tuscany completely, worse luck.
E-K observant chap; in fact I was complaining bitterly (fnar fnar) that all the beer glasses/mugs had disappeared. I myself only dring from a glass with a handle, pewter if at home.
E-K agreed, see my reply comemnt above. Climate change is what we need right now, and pronto.
scrobs - ahh, Landlord, one of my alltime faves, used to ndrink it at The Sun in Lams Conduit Street, WC1...
Blue skies - oriental gentleman, are you, you old cloud scudder-watcher!
Lilith, I'll get right onto it...
Very nice :-)
I like the sunset, the green of the garden, the pattern of your apron and the way you hold your drink :-) A picture of contentment :-)
For some reason, Tuscan, you remind me of the Surgeon Major in his makeshift operating theatre in Zulu.
Tony, have a good think about the nom de plume I use . . . then the penny might drop . . .
-eve- thanks v much for that, though at Tuscan Towers we don't have a "garden", we have "extensive grounds, replete with sweeping vistas". Please remember this for your next visit. *retires swiftly to avoid the angry arrival of the Beast*
idle - indeed youes, you have an excellent poijnt there...
Huw - hmm, let me think about that....
TT: Very close, but not quite a cigar this time...
Re your puzzle: Huge Amptom and his cousin Lit L Ampton may help? I knew a chap called Hue Jarse once.
Blue, wasn't that Hue fellow Norma Stitz's nephew?
Oh, Blue, did you meet that religious chap, now what was his name....ahh, got it: the Rector Al Probe?
I remember the reverend, TT, didn't he have problems with a parishioner called Jenny Taylor?
Lilith, if you mean Jenny who used to go out with that Irish Guy, Nack O'Logist, then yes. You must remember Nack? He had a finger in every pie, if I recall.
Tony I am currently "enjoying" extensive views of the inside of the dog house again )+:
PS
A magnificent image,
on canvas it could be.....
"Tesco man at rest"
PPS
For a gentleman of ample girth a red and white cross isnt a good look (+:
Beast, you, sir, are the Quentin Davies of luurve. Make your bed and lie in it, be gad!
I am reminded of an excellent Gary Larsen cartoon of a while back - two deer talking, one witha target shape seemingly painted on his rear. Other deer is saying "bummer of a birthmark, Reg."
Put up a picture of yours truly and you get 40 + comments.
I'd stick to a winning formula if I were you old chap. Show off those glorious man boobs with a flesh coloured thong for the southerly bits, and the sky's the limit.
I've always wondered what was behind the mask.
TT, Huw Jampton - boastful fellow - think rhyming slang.
Re Norman - pay no attention - PLEASE.
45 govt
the Tuscan Moobs have been dispalyed on a prior occassion )+:
I now have to go back to the lonely life of a batchelor, grilling a spatchcock over charcoal and cursing fate.
Back to Beast? When did you leave?
Is it true you have brought the rain to Casa Tuscana?
Wot we all want to hear is the gory details of the Tuscan's line dancing prowess. Shoot that door!
Tony - Having just got back from a busy day, I have just sat down to read these comments - and splooshed coffee all over the keyboard again.
However, on topic, re your question at 12.41, I think you may be right, but I was under the impression that Norma was her middle name. Can't recall her first one, but I think it began with "E". I think she was going out with that Jewish fellow from the flats, Nick Erzov I think his name was. But I could be wrong...
What a truly testing lover you must be Mr de Clerkenwell! Surely your assistant is a very patient woman.
Watch out! You are about to be hit in the face by a boiled egg, presumably lobbed at you by one of the tuscan scamps.
Tuscan, you've got to submit this picture for the Turner Prize.
The beer in the wine glass encapsulates the ambivalence of the Englishman abroad.
The filthy flag of St. George worn as an apron reflects the dismay felt at the decline of this once great nation brought low by grasping politicians and celebrity chefs.
The blank face represents the need to remain anonymous when a good kicking is in the offing.
The Iti setting firmly establishes this work in the classical tradition totally fucked over by contemporary wank.
All in all, a masterpiece of unintended consequences, and a shoe in for the £25,000.
Lilith
The lady in question is a kind soul inclined to forgive, I will try harder to be worthy.
getting back to the Wiltshire plod story it is obviously a fabrication, they are like bustards in a couple of ways 1) they used to be found in Wiltshire but are now incredibly rare 2) the spelling is uncannily similar.
The only way a Wiltshire plod will speak to you is if you wake him up as he kips in his car in a lay-by
So Tony,
Just how much alcohol had you consumed when you decided that it was a great idea to dress up as a Crusader for your holiday to the middle East?
Beast. "Tesco man at rest."
I had Tuscan down as a Kwik Save dude myself.
namotwa
only when ALDI or LIDL are shut.
TT, you left a comment on Guido's blog re Mark Oaten. I missed the original story - would you please post the link here?
45Govt . . . spot on. The name originated with the Goon Show. Michael Bentine said that it was the only double-entendre that they managed to slip past the BBC censor.
Gods, far too many comments to respond individually, thanks for the many laughs they produced here, though! Note to self: don't go away for 2 days in future.
Glad to hear it Beast. You know it makes sense.
Haddock, Ha Ha Ha! Too true about Wiltshire Plod...Many moons ago I was stopped in Salisbury by a plod on a bike..."Did you realise you went through an amber light, Miss?"
He ignored my girl friend who had a large spliff in her hand as the smoke billowed throught the window at him and the weed sat on the dashbord..."Be more careful in future" he said and sped off...
This was the same set of lights at which the Wiltshire plod had driven into the back of my austin allegro and wrote her off when I failed to go through an amber light a couple of years earlier.
I am very careful these days. I hardly ever go to Salisbury.
PS. Beast, your comment at mine made me DIE laughing :-))))
Lilith - comment of the week!
LILith: The brakes on an Austin Allergic actually worked???? Must have been a Friday afternoon job then. Without doubt the worst car I ever had the pleasure/misfortune to drive.
PS: Jumping lights and speeding tickets? You really do live life on the edge!
I am impossibly wild, GG :-) The Allegro was perfect for me as I had a good excuse to crawl along and drive all those BMW and Audi drivers bonkers :-)....
Funnily enough, I had a bumper sticker that said
"That's right; The women are smarter!" (a quote from a Grateful Dead song)
The full quote from the plod who stopped me was "Be more careful in future...you never know who is watching you." *quakes*
Lilith, wonder if that policeman might have been that well known ex copper Electro-K, in a bit of a tease mode?
Eh? Tea's made? I'll be right over. Well TT, he had a tash, and all the hardware....I think he just wanted to get off work. He stopped us outside the police station :-) Flashed his lights and whupped his siren on his big bike.
Lil, have you checked out the aftermarket in one-owner-only Teasmades on eBay - worth a bloody fortune those things! The most expensive unit is the Goblin Teasmade, presumably due to the multifunctionality implied in its name.
Teasmades are ghastly TT. You get woken up early when the water starts to circulate and then you have to get up for a pee. The next half hour is spent listening to the maddening noise of the infernal machine.
Bought one for the Zumeersett Outlaws last year, Lil. From what you tell me, you've TOTALLY made my day.
:-))
Tuscan, you could become a cult, (oops, typo alert).
Billy, Given the six readers who pop in here regularly, I think it would be safe to say that our host is way beyond being a mere cult. In my view he is already a whole Movement (all to himself!).
Always fancied meself as a latter day Rev Jim Jones, to be honest. With the women, but without the grand finale mass suicide, natch.
Grumps, - the "dirty half dozen" doesn't quite have a ring abouut it, sadly.
TT: I agree; you should therefore offer a gallon of your best olive oil to the proposer of a suitable title for your Movement. I'll start with "Six of the Best"
75 comments on the topic of a dirty pinnie..
Gadzooks.. Oh for a tenth of this traffic.
Time for a new post Meester Tony
Barnsley, I think our host has taken lessons from Guido, who once put up an empty post, and broke records with the comments.
If a crusader's tunic over a beefeater belly can generate all this, what next may we look forward to?
Barnsley. having copious sockpuppets and alternative identities helps.
45, one learns at the feet of the master. From now on, minimalism is the watchword. Conscious there is no data yet re the line dancing farrago.
still trying to beat my record of over 550 postings?
You will have to try far harder.
Maybe next time , just the apron?
A sort of "Studs of Tuscany" charity calender.
You can be Mr August (late August)
Its been a fine season, but now the vines are withering (+:
Of course, one has to remember that The Hitch, (PBUH) being as he was a 400lb crack addict on his 3rd heart transplant (that Sudanese mud wrestler died happy knowing it went to a good cause) had time to shepherd a field of sockpuppets and thereby onanistically pump up his comment-flock.
Mr TT is that a beer belly or a wine belly or are you just getting far to comfortable in your lovely surroundings still the pinny suits you sir.
The Tuscan is currently undergoing treatment for pie addiction - show some respect, please!
80 comments - blimey!
Wow re number of comments. Have you put something in the water?
The record number of comments is prob down to the wet Bank holiday weekend - so yes, moisture played its part, PT!
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